WHEN “FAIR” ISN’T THE SAME AS “EQUAL”
One of the hardest conversations in family finance doesn’t involve markets, tax brackets, or retirement timelines. It sounds much simpler—and feels much heavier:
How do I divide my estate among my children in a way that’s fair?
You may be just as proud of your entrepreneur son as your social-worker daughter, yet it’s obvious their financial realities are very different. Perhaps one child struggled through medical issues or a career setback while another hit every rung of the success ladder. Maybe you quietly helped one child buy a home or start a business, while the others never needed assistance.
Now you’re thinking about leaving different amounts in your estate plan. It feels right. It also feels like stepping onto emotional thin ice.
The reality is that most parents don’t fear running out of money nearly as much as they fear creating resentment among their children. That fear is well-founded. Money carries symbolism. To children, inheritances can feel like a final report card on love, approval, and worth.
And yet, fairness doesn’t always look like symmetry.
In real families, lives diverge. Needs differ. Contributions vary. Treating every child identically may not always feel just. The mistake isn’t choosing an unequal distribution—it’s failing to prepare hearts for it.
The Power of Explanation
When parents say nothing, children supply their own explanations. Rarely are those generous.
“I must have disappointed Mom.”
“Dad always favored her.”
“I guess I mattered less.”
Psychologists who study family dynamics find that adult children can accept unequal treatment when they understand why it exists. When the reasoning is rooted in need, effort, or circumstance—and communicated with care—most people are remarkably reasonable. Without that context, even loving siblings can drift into suspicion and hurt.
That’s why transparency matters.
You don’t need to disclose exact dollar amounts at the dinner table. But you should share the principles guiding your decisions. Let your children know you’ve thought deeply about their individual lives and that your plan reflects that thoughtfulness, not favoritism.
Consider a parent with three adult children: one runs a thriving company, one teaches full-time while raising two kids alone, and one left a career to care for a disabled spouse. An even split may look tidy on paper, but it may not feel fair in practice. Explaining that your goal is to give each child a stable footing—not a matching number—can make all the difference.
If direct conversation feels overwhelming, a written letter to each child can help. It allows you to choose your words carefully, express your love clearly, and explain your reasoning without interruption. Those letters can accompany your estate plan or be shared during your lifetime.
Think in Terms of Impact, Not Math
Estate planning isn’t a spreadsheet exercise—it’s a human one.
Instead of asking, “How do I divide this equally?” try asking, “What impact will this have on each child’s life?” One child might use an inheritance to retire early. Another might finally escape financial stress. Another may pass it directly to their own children.
Sometimes equity means adjusting amounts. Other times it means adjusting assets. One child may benefit more from receiving a home; another from liquid investments; another from education funding for grandchildren. A meaningful heirloom, business interest, or property can communicate value in ways that dollars alone cannot.
Fairness is measured not in percentages, but in outcomes.
Use a Guide If You Need One
If these conversations feel emotionally loaded—and they often are—consider involving a neutral professional, like a Certified Financial Planner®. CFPs® are trained to balance logic with empathy. They can help you frame the discussion, anticipate reactions, and keep the focus on your intentions rather than the numbers.
The wealth you leave behind represents decades of effort. With thoughtful planning and honest communication, it can become a bridge between generations instead of a wedge between siblings.
Your legacy isn’t just what you leave—it’s how your family feels when you’re remembered.
Published: February, 2026
TLP Financial Services, Inc. is a registered investment advisor.
